Decided to repost a feature I wrote last week…
So you’ve wandered into the desolate land we call the North. You may be scared, frightened or bewildered by the locals and their odd customs. We’ve devised a handy A-Z to tell you how you need to conduct yourself whilst braving Northern soil which will have you passing as a Northerner in no time. Woo the ladies. Charm the fellas. Impress the dog…
A – Ale. A popular Northern pastime involves sitting on a stool in your local public house drinking real ale. Babycham and white wine spritzers are not acceptable alternatives. Pipe-smoking is optional.
B – Baps. Of the breaded variety. In the North a bun is no longer a bun. It can be a bap, a breadcake, a barmcake, but never a bun.
C – Coal mines. Your father worked in a coal mine. Your father’s father also worked in a coal mine. Even if they didn’t, tell people that they did. You may also pretend you did a brief stint in the mines when you were 11, but you had to walk 14 miles uphill to get there, work a 26-hour day, then walk 14 miles uphill to get back home.
D – Doffing. Flat-cap doffing is a must when greeting a pretty young maiden. The correct doff will consist of grasping your tweed cap by its peak, raising it no more than 3 inches, and replacing it on the head. It may be accompanied by a nod, a lecherous wink, or “Afternoon, pet”.
E – Electricity. According to the South, we have none. Keep up the illusion by referring to your horse and cart regularly, and cooking Pot Noodles in an Aga. Marvelling at running water will also keep them on their toes.
F – Facial Hair. Growing some sort of fuzz on your face is imperative. Either the full beard, or some sort of bushy moustache are both great places to start. Applies to males and females.
G – Greggs. The staple diet of the North, especially for children. You should wear your cheese and onion pasty crumbs with pride, they are a badge of honour.
H – Hen nights. Any respectable hen night should involve a gaggle of desperate screaming women on the piss In Blackpool. For the classy look, L-Plates, tu-tus and Blue WKD are a must. An aged male stripper in a fireman’s outfit should also be employed.
I – Incomprehensible accents. To really assimilate, you have to speak in a manner that nobody else can understand. If you’re a beginner, try missing out some vowels, making various throaty noises, and adding various letters to the beginning of words.
J – Jeremy Kyle. Having domestic issues? If you suddenly discover your brother is your mother, the best way to argue it out is to go on national television and do it in front of an audience. Bonus points if Jezza tells you to “bang your heads together”.
K – Kelvin. The temperature scale by which a Northern winter is measured. Regardless, you have a point to prove by never wearing a coat outside and always referring to it as being “a little bit brass”. On the one day a year the temperatures climb over 21 degrees, you must complain about it being too hot.
L – Lake District. You should constantly remind outsiders that it’s so beautiful that the Southerners made it into a National Park so they could get their hands on it. In truth, you’ve never actually been because you’re worried about not being near to a McDonalds, but you’ve seen photographs.
M –Mushy Peas. When serving your family with pie, you must place the peas on the plate AFTER the pie to avoid any unfortunate pie-slipping episodes. Unacceptable pea formats include petit pois and tinned chip-shop-style peas.
N – Newspapers. Being caught reading a newspaper is a grave offence. Unless it’s the sports pages. The only time you should have a newspaper in your hand is to line the ferret cage, or when you’re eating your fish supper from it.
O – Offal. Another of the basic Northern food groups. The basic rule is that if it was in or on an animal at one time, you can eat it. Kidneys, livers and hooves are all fair game, as is tripe and onions.
P – Pigeons. Any self-respecting Northerner keeps pigeons in a loft in his modestly sized back-garden. Racing them is optional, but referring to them as “our pride and joy” is not.
Q – Queen Mother. Without doubt, the greatest Englishwoman who ever lived. A mutual love for the late, great Queen Mum is found across the North, despite her living in a big expensive palace in the South, and never really visiting much.
R – Reminiscing. Telling whimsical anecdotes whilst in your local public house or working men’s club (See A) is greatly encouraged. Remembering when all this was just grass, and regaling your peers with how badly you were beaten as a child are good places to start.
S – Swearing. Cursing in every sentence is an integral part of living up North. Stick to classic swears, such as fuck, shit or bollocks. For extra kudos, add one to the middle of a word to show your friends how important your point is. (E.g. abso-fucking-lutely)
T – Teenage Mothers. To be accepted into Northern society, any female must be pregnant by age 15. Suitable baby names include Rocky, Kylie and Chardonnay. Babies going by the moniker of Tarquin, Giles or Tiggy will be shunned.
U – Unecessary Niceties. These should be used after every exchange with every person you happen to meet. The unnecessary nicety should involve calling a stranger ‘pet’, ‘love’, ‘lamb’, ‘flower’ or, of course, ‘duck’. Nobody is excluded from a pet name, unless it looks as though they might hit you, at which point it’s best to revert to ‘mate’.
V – Viz. A Northerner needs some Northern literature. Viz should be the only periodical to adorn your bathroom for both friends and family alike.
W – Whippet. The only dog of choice for the discerning Northerner. Owning anything smaller will lead to ridicule. A Staffordshire Bull Terrier on a rope may substitute, and will make you look menacing and afraid of nothing.
X – Xenophobia. The best way to pull this one off is to complain about the foreigners taking all our jobs, preferably whilst in the Dole queue. Wearing a hat stating: “PROUD TO BE ENGLISH” will really hammer your point home.
Y – You Southern Poof. Must be uttered at anyone who lives below Birmingham. Inquiries may also be made into the origins of the offending person’s parents, and inviting him outside for a friendly tussle with sticks and broken glass.
Z – Zante. The only holiday destination for a group of discerning young males. There is fine dining to be had at Bob’s British Bar, where the fry-ups are greasy and so are the barmen. A uniform consisting of an England shirt and sunburn is guaranteed to bring the ladies flocking. Failing that, the watered-down beer will do the trick.
